I just received a text message from my daughter today. She’s Erica and she’s 4years old. Here is what it says, “Shan Erica Tingbaoen   mamy    dady I love you.” I was so touched ‘coz even if she didn’t spelled it right, she knew what it meant. Her dad said that he did not help her to write it.

I left her in the Philippines with her dad. And now, i really regret leaving her. For me, this is the worst decission i have ever made. Yes it’s true that at least i am able to pay our debts but i’m in a lot of pain…I know that she’s fine there because my husband is with her but I still worry so much. ERica is starting to write and read now, she already goes to school. Her dad said that she’s really doing great in school ‘coz she always receives a star( teachers give to kids who are doing an excellent job). I’m just so proud of her.

While writing this, i’m reminded of the book i read. It’s Chris Offut’s, “No Heroes”. This book tells about Chris’ coming home to Kentucky. He envisioned it to be the same as he had left it but nothing really remained the same which disappointed him. This is his search for a home that no longer exists. There are more stories and facts in this book but his coming home striked me most. What if this would be my case when i go home? I’m not even sure when. I imagined myself going home and my Erica wouldn’t be the same as i’ve left her. This is killing me. I’m just afraid of the changes im going to face . It hurts me that those changes will happen without me. I just pray that Erica’s love for me,  will never change. Her hug and kiss, when i come home tired from work, her stories about pokemon and spongebob, when she gives me water when i drink my vitamins and cried if i didn’t wait for her to give me and many more, which i really miss.

At the end of the book, Offut left Kentucky realizing that it’s not just the people and the place that changed, but also himself -a change of lifestyle and perception of family.Thus, he’s also a part of his disappointment.  I just pray that the “Jehan” my family love will never change no matter how long..three, five…or many more years from now. Sometimes, we always say “iba na talaga  ngayun ang Pilipinas”(Philippines is now really different). But how about you? Do you think you also did not change?